Valentine’s Day is next week and with it comes the pressure of presents. Exchange gifts at all? What to get? How much to spend? Who gives and who gets? The pressure builds and inevitably the outcome disappoints.
Six years ago, I came home from a long day at a job I hated. My husband and I were married just over a year. We didn’t have much money, but I was still hopeful for a small surprise. My husband enjoys gifting me all year long with little tokens of love – wild flowers he finds on the drive home, a sweet treat from the bakery, a bubble bath while he makes dinner, and many more thoughtful gestures. I wrongly assumed he would also be a fabulous gift giver on actual holidays.
I walked through the door and spotted a lump wrapped in a sack on our kitchen counter.
My husband grunted from the couch, “That’s your present.” I tentatively opened it to find a university mug with my name on it. A mug he obviously bought at the university bookstore on his way home from class. I didn’t even drink coffee back then (life before kids!) and I mumbled a “thanks” while I walked upstairs to bemoan my life devoid of romance. The pressure of presents had shoved an ugly, mug-shaped wedge between us.
The mug Valentine always makes both of us laugh now. But back then, my young married self was incredibly disappointed. And my husband was frustrated with the pressure of presents.
The ugly mug was a reminder that relationships, and particularly marriage, are a lifelong journey of communication.
We’ve come a long way in communicating our wants, needs, and expectations since then. So now, Valentine’s Day looks something more like this.
Me: Hey babe, I’m buying some new clothes – this can be your gift to me.
Babe: Sounds good!
Sometimes, we agree not to buy anything at all. We’ve foregone anniversary presents and have purchased very practical Christmas presents. Birthdays are hit or miss and may only include a nice dinner. But the important lesson we learned was to communicate our expectations. I learned that my husband gets more joy out of surprising me when I least expect it. He learned that I still enjoy being acknowledged on national holidays even through a thoughtful note. What we both learned is it is important in any relationship to stop and show your partner love; whether it’s giving grace in an ugly mug situation, hiding a love note in the sock drawer or simply making dinner while the other gets to hide from the kids and relax.
